Parents
Getting Back to Hot
If you're lost in no-libido land, know this: you're not alone, and there's hope.
By Cathi Hanauer
It is possible, Kerner says, to get back to your former love life, or
at least a less spontaneous, more rushed version of it. For many
couples, it's about "reprioritizing sex, and making time for it."
Polly basically follows this advice. "Sometimes time passes and I
think, 'When's the last time we had sex? We have to find time.'"
Luckily, she and her husband are both OK with making it short and
sweet. "The baby will be in for a nap, and I'll say, 'Hey, do you want
to have sex?' And immediately we're in bed, and five minutes later,
we're back on the couch or back to our lives." Except, after sex,
they're "on the same wavelength, which we're not always otherwise.
We're less snippy and bitchy-- we feel like comrades again."
Heather has a different solution to the Sex After Baby dilemma: She
"whips off a blow job" when she doesn't feel like actually doing the
deed: It's faster, and less messy, plus she doesn't have to pretend to
be turned on. Though her husband doesn't complain, this sounds less
than ideal to Kerner: "You can survive on sexual junk food for a while
in lieu of a full meal," he says, "but both partners are missing out on
a really big dimension of the relationship."
Still, if it works for everyone at this intense stage of life, that's
sometimes as good as it gets--especially if both partners feel newly
connected through their love for the baby. "It's almost like being
parents together has created this even stronger bond in our
relationship than having sex," Heather says. "I think I sometimes used
sex to feel that connection." That said, she does hope they eventually
get back some of what they've lost in the bedroom. "We're definitely a
lot more in control as parents now, and I'm hoping this will help."
As for me, I never did get airlifted out of that claustrophobic bed.
But eventually I found a way to dislodge from the human sandwich and
stagger out, opening a door to walk back in--which I did, of course,
again and again. Three and a half years later, we added a second baby
to the mix, and by then, somehow-- even with an additional body--it
didn't feel quite so claustrophobic (or the claustrophobia, at least,
was overpowered by the joy, not to mention the knowledge that it
wouldn't always be as hard as it is with a tiny newborn).
Although I don't want to rush through the years between now and when
our daughter and son move out and onward, I do sometimes look forward
to turning back to my husband at that point, and, after blinking a few
times (you're who, again?), reconnecting in a way that's actually not
about the kids. In the meantime, I have to believe that whatever we've
lost sexually-- if anything--is more than compensated for by what we've
gained, created, and fallen in love with together.
